[Chat] Fwd: Merry Christmas! (link to cute Santa & Reindeer presentation) and more

[william.schlegel at us.army.mil]

Some more Christmas humor

GIFT WRAPPING WITH THE HELP OF YOUR CAT

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, 
labels, etc...

7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping 
strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer 
since last visit and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to determine size to cut.

13. Try to smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.

14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.

16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present 
came in.

17. Place present on paper.

18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. 
Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky 
tape.

20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from 
cat with pair of nail scissors.

21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.

23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's 
enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of 
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for 
sheet of paper.

27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

28. Remove sting, open box and remove cat.

29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for a room with a 
lock.

30. Once inside locking room, lock door and start to re-lay out paper and 
materials.

31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.

32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat 
from outside door)

33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of 
the toilet, but do your best)

34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through 
various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you 
haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.

35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make 
torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with 
sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.

37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on 
completing a difficult job.

38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.

 
 Santa: an engineer's perspective

There are approximately two billion children (person under 18) in the world.

However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or 
Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for 
Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population 
Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that 
comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in 
each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different 
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west 
(which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say, that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa 
has around 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the 
chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat 
whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the 
sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million 
stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be 
false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking 
about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not 
counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles 
per second---3,000 times the sound of speed. For purposes of comparison, the 
fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves a poky 27.4 miles per 
second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that 
each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the 
sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.

On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even 
granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job 
can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of 
them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, 
another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the 
ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons  traveling at 650 miles per second creates 
enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion 
as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer 
would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they 
would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind 
them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer 
team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second, or right about the 
time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a 
dead stop to 650 M.P.S. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration 
forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be 
pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly 
crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
 
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas.

 
 1.    Avoid carrot sticks.  Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table 
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact, if you see carrots, leave 
immediately.  Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2.    Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly.  Like fine single-malt 
scotch, it's rare.  You can't find it any other time of year but now.  So drink 
up!   Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It's not as if 
you're going to turninto an eggnog-oholic or something.  It's a treat.  Enjoy it.  
It's later than you think.  It's Christmas!

3.    If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the whole point of 
gravy.  Gravy does not stand-alone.  Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed 
potatoes.  Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat!

4.    As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or 
whole milk.  If it's skim, pass.  Why bother?  It's like buying a sports car 
with an automatic transmission.

5.    Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control 
your eating.  The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other 
people's food for free.  Lots of it.  Hello?

6.    Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.  
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the 
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while 
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7.    If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like 
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near 
them and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of 
attention.  They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.  If you leave them 
behind, you're never going to see them again.

8.    Same for pies: Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat.  Have a slice of each.  Or, 
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have 
three.  When else do you get to have more than one dessert?  Labor Day?

9.    Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory 
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, have some standards.

10.  One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or 
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.  Reread all of  the 
tips.  Start over, but hurry.   January is just around the corner . . . .

 
 
This is funny - I wonder if it works for 8 cats?


 http://www.actioncat.com/catprooftree.html  
 


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